Author: abrokewaitress


If I could, I would nail these hands to edges of stars.
I would give up and sacrifice my body to the sky, hoping to resurrect as someone spiteful enough to not care about you.
Staple me to a cross and pierce my sides with lies and broken promises.
Loving you was the last thing I felt really good at.
If you ever stumble upon me and ask me how I received my scars, it’s from ripping every last piece of you out of my smile.
I spoke you into sunflowers. I prayed for the best for you. I put all my cards in your basket. Treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen, I looked up to you.
I became a lie, I believed in a lie, I lied and lied and those lies became a tower of Jenga blocks ready to collapse.

I swallowed my pride and it clawed its way out of my mouth. I was worth no more than a mere penny. I was only your entertainment, your getaway, I believed in nothing but this beautiful, deceitful lie because I was hiding from the hurtful truth.

I hope you get small pox.
I said small pox.

I hate you.
I hate you, I despise you, I can’t stop thinking about you because I care about you so much to not do anything spiteful enough to take away a part of your life too just the way you took mine. I cannot get that time back. I cannot get that part of me back.

I want a little clarity. I want closure. But I can’t even get that. I keep my hopes up not for you, but that one day I’ll bounce back from this and become a whole new woman that any man has regretted to treat wrong. I keep my hopes up that this child that I carry will one day grow to know that his or her mother loved them so much, and I never abandoned it. It’s hard not to cry because I realize that it’s not good for the child,

but if I could cry every tear that I could, I’d create a rushing river, tie you to a sail boat and auction you off to my fondest memories, a chapter in my life filled with lies, deceit, cheating, laughter, sin, and love. I never wanted you after, because I really only needed my friend.

So I am praying for the best for you. Your partner. Your family. Your life. Because I want to move on. I want to be happy with myself, I found my worth in Christ and some days I struggle to keep that in my head because I keep looking back at these mistakes that taunt me. The mistakes that you made too, that you probably don’t feel bad for. I also hope you know the child I carry, will have the best part of you. So in a way, I guess I did take a part of you like you did me, except the only difference is, I didn’t throw it away recklessly.
I’m going to love it unconditionally. Not you. But my baby.

And if you ever stumble upon me again and ask me how I received my scars, I’d tell you it was from the day I fell in love with you. I landed face first.


Here’s to a NEW me

Happy Monday!

It’s definitely been a hot minute, and I’m happy to say that I survived my 21 day fast. I also feel so much closer to God, and it was definitely worth waiting from the screen to reconnect and find my worth in Christ.

I also have some really exciting news: 
I am expecting! I’m 11 weeks and am due September. It’s super crazy to me, obviously I never saw it coming, but it’s still a blessing. 

The story to it, also was a huge trial and mess to go through. I admit, I did some wrong things, and I should’ve known better, however, I’m not going to keep walking through my shame and hang my head down 24/7. The other party to this situation is not going to be a part of this at all, which I find great. I need to remind myself that I’m moving on with my life and am looking forward to see where God is going to have me.

I know for a fact that people are definitely going to condemn me and judge me for how this baby was made and is going to be brought to the world, but how I choose to see it, is that God is not at all shocked or surprised. He knew what I was going to do, what the father was going to do, how all of this was going to happen. He knows our past, present and future and He takes us through these things for a reason.
While the father chooses to stay in the relationship he’s in now whatever that looks like or however that may end up, I have moved on and am happier than ever, not because I’m having this man’s baby whom I committed adultery with, but because this little bundle of joy is being knitted in my womb by the hands of God, and I’m having this baby, period.

I know that God is raising me to be the woman He wants me to be, and He still loves me and calls me His, and so yes what happened was totally surreal but I gave it all up. I confessed, I cried, I felt hurt, but now, I’m healing. I feel new again. I’m rising up to the change and accepting it. Praying about it everyday, that this trial I’m going through now is going to help me emerge into a whole new woman, and I’m feeling that change now. I’ve been pushed to get an abortion and I stood up to that and said no.

I’m not scared. I know motherhood will definitely be a tough thing to handle, but I’m not alone in my situation. I’m not abandoning this child, just like my God never abandoned me. It makes me happy that I don’t feel hurt. I may feel bad, but again, I’ve done what I needed to do. I’m only working on forgiving and that’s just a really hard thing to do at the moment. I’m praying for the other party even if I don’t want to talk to them, be near them, etc., because I cannot wish ill upon them not matter what shit they might throw at me. I’m not stupid and know how to defend myself, but that also means if I could do the right thing now and take it the way God wants me to, then that means I will.

I’m about to be real, grown people acting childish is not really my deal to handle with. Adding dirty laundry on social media, trying to hurt and humiliate me, it’s not going to make me feel any different. I laugh, because my heart is overfilled with joy and love at the moment. There’s so many people who know the situation detail by detail and have stood by me since even when I’ve confess all that I’ve done. God is doing great things for me. I am in awe of His work and His promises.

I can’t be afraid of something when I have nothing to hide anymore. Jesus has zero tolerance for hypocrisy, but UNLIMITED grace for a sinner in need of forgiveness. 

One day I’m going to find this a trial that has transformed me. I can honestly say that I’m happy God puts us through them, because it has strengthen my faith, my walk with the Lord, and has given me confidence. I can fall, but I can totally get back up.
I’m looking forward to meeting my little mini me. I’m definitely not perfect, and I’ve accepted that it’s okay. We all mess up in life, and the best part about that, is that God turns our mess ups into blessings and lessons that molds us into who we are today.

So meet my little Malachi. (I don’t know if it’s a boy or girl yet.)
Apparently it is able to move, although I wouldn’t be able to feel it for a couple or few months. Pray for me through this journey, because I’ll definitely need it. This soon to be mommy is out for now, and I’ll see you guys soon! 


Photo: 10 weeks and 3 days.                                                                     Currently:  11 Weeks, 1 day, and counting.

21 Day Fast CONTINUED (pt.2)

Happy Sunday, babyy!

It’s yet another misty, cold, and humid morning, but the sun started to shine not 10 minutes ago, and there’s still beauty in this fantabulous day! (Did I really just use the word ‘fantabulous’??)

And I did promise y’all my next eleven prayers on my list for this prayer fast I am on.

Again, if you haven’t thought about getting on a fast, you should totally consider it! I’m fasting social media this 21 days, and it’s really helping me strengthen my faith, bringing me closer to God, giving me courage, strength and confidence in myself as a woman and focus on the important things that are happening in my life. I know 21 days sound like a long time, but time is literally flying by!

SO here’s the rest of the prayers, and I’m looking forward to see what God has for me. (I added the last ten prayers to recap also.)

  1. Wisdom
  2. Peace
  3. Confidence
  4. Forgiveness
  5. Leadership
  6. Relationships
  7. Unity/Reconciliation
  8. Families
  9. Courage
  10. Joy
  11. Healing: I pray for healing! For anyone and everyone who’s dealing with physical pain or sickness that’s taking time to heal, I pray that God lay His hands on those who need helping with that. Lifting up families also dealing with those too, beside their loved ones.
  12. Strength: I pray for strength, to take on anything that comes my way. Strength for my loved ones who need it in their times of weakness, and reminder to them that our God is bigger and stronger and He’s already won any battle that we are facing. We just need to put on the full armor of His and have faith as tiny as a mustard seed.
  13. Others: A really good question that needs to be considered is, “what are you doing for others?” I pray that people who are in need of light in their life are given that light. Whether it’s from another person or peer or the beautiful sky in the morning. I pray that as ambassadors of God, we share that love and joy God has blessed us with for our good and His glory.
  14. Broken hearts to be mended: It happens. Broken hearts. From death, a break up, losing a pet, or seeing a loved one hurt. I pray those hearts are to be mended. Broken hearts don’t stay torn forever. Jesus knows our hearts, He knows our hurt and He’s been there too. Hurt happens, but healing happens too and it may take time but it takes a lot of strength to smile and assure to yourself that Jesus will take care of you. It’ll hurt while you keep moving, but you will rise from the fiery trial as a whole new person. Given a blessing and learning a lesson.
  15. Churches/pastors/leaders: I pray for those pastors and leaders of the churches! They’re awesome, and do what they do best and I pray for churches and that they build each other up rather than tearing each other down. The church isn’t the “church.” It’s the people. We are the BODY OF CHRIST. We live, we love, we laugh, we share and it’s all wonderful.
  16. Purpose: That God guide and direct me and those who I love in the right path. One of my goals in life is going to bible school or doing something within the ministry field. Something at a church or even at home. I have yet to go to college, and I kind of feel like I’m missing something in my life, but I know He has a purpose for me, as well as those whom I care about. Even if I have everything I need right here, right now, there’s always more doors He’ll open for me.
  17. Aligning my thoughts and attitude: That the Lord hold my tongue when I’m about to speak when I shouldn’t. That He give me patience and even when I’m tested, I know when to be wise. To help me focus on good and praise Him through any good or bad that will happen.
  18. Mom and Dad: That even though they don’t know what they’re doing or where they’re going, they know that they are loved by their two children. No matter what issues they are dealing with, we’re always praying and thinking of them and God will take care of things. (I love you mom and dad.)
  19. For my brothers: When I call you brother, it means you have at least four fists during any fight you can’t talk yourself out of of. It means I love you, and I pray that God guide you to where you don’t get yourself into a fight, but if it comes down for it, I’m your sister.
  20. For my sisters: When I call you sister, it means any guy who touched you without permission probably ended up with a broken arm or in jail. Again, I’m not up for violence, but come to it, a girl got your back. I pray that God mold you into the woman you were meant to be. Confident in your body and mind. Stay fierce, sister.
  21. For the man I oh, so adore, love too much, cry over sometimes, may be a little obsessed with but don’t really care because there ain’t no shame in my game and when I have the chance to shoot my shot with you any day, I will definitely do that because you don’t realize how head over heels I am for you:
    I like to play this game where I would give up something for another minute with you…my blog…my car…my bed…my clothes…except, I might need my clothes to be able to be out in public…I pray that every morning that you wake up, you wake up to the sound of the birds reminding you that you’re alive and breathing. I pray that when you go to work, you’re not bothered by the people around you and that you have peace while you’re up there. I pray that when it comes time to go home, you’re able to be at comfort, and that you remember how much God loves you and how much I love you. Even if you may or may not be what God has for me, I will always love you, and you will always be a blessing to me.

SO THAT’S MY PRAYER LIST! This 21 days is not yet finished, but praying these prayers make me feel free that I can talk to my God and He knows my heart, my desires, my needs, but He also will provide for me exactly what I need for my good and His glory. I’m scared to be honest with you because I don’t know what that’s going to look like. I’m afraid of being alone and I’ve never been alone. I’m afraid of rejection and failing. What if I don’t ever make it to college? What if I’m not qualified enough to do what I want to do? I know I have these doubts, but I cannot let these doubts keep me from working hard everyday that I wake up.

One of my favorite quotes I love to live by is, “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” —MLK

That and my hope in His word, is what keeps me going. Remembering who I have in my life, whether they will stay long or not is wonderful to me. Knowing that I have a purpose for someone, anyone’s life and for something means a lot to me. I don’t want to fail, and I’m very persistent and competitive. I will fall, but I also will get back up faster. 🙂
See you guys soon!



21 Day Fast/Prayer

Hi guys, happy Thursday!
The sun is finally out and shining, and though it’s still a little bit chilly, I think we’re all excited to see Spring finally make an appearance.

So I’ve been on a 21-day fast since the beginning of February, and it’s really opened my mind to a lot of things. I knew I spoke to God a lot, but it’s like I talk to Him every minute of the day. I’ve only been fasting social media, so I haven’t checked in, posted anything, etc., and it helps because I’m not focused on what’s happening in the world, but what’s right here right now.

Today I am definitely recommending and throwing a challenge out to start a 21-day fast. Now there is a specific fast I believe, but I chose social media because I’m a literal addict to Twitter and Instagram. A fast not only helps you create a new habit, but also helps mend your heart in places that needs mending. You pray everyday for different things, and in the end, God will surprise you. It also builds and strengthens your walk of faith with Christ. This is my very first fast, and I’m excited.

It’s a little hard, and sometimes tempting, but remember when Jesus was alone in the desert and He was by Himself, and God was testing His faith, and satan popped out of nowhere and tried tempting Jesus, but Jesus was strong enough to say “not today, satan!”

That’s the type of strength I feel like we all need to have, and that strength comes from our God! How wonderful is that?

Here are my 21 days of prayers that I’ve been praying about and for. Now these prayers don’t just have to do with me, but also those who I love and care for and cherish everyday of my life. 

  1. WISDOM: I pray that God give me the wisdom to know when to stand and go. To listen instead of speak and to love where it lacks love. To know what to do when stuck in a place of confusion.
  2. PEACE: I pray for peace in every aspect of my life and the life of everyone around me. Peace where there’s hate and war. I quote from MLK, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Peace where life seems to be stirring in turmoil and for a moment, just to breathe in the air and accept reality.
  3. CONFIDENCE: As a woman, I pray for confidence. Confidence in my body, my mind, my soul and every detail of me. I pray that I have confidence in what God has in store for me, and that my loved ones have confidence in what they do and work so hard for, because God isn’t going to fail us.
  4. FORGIVENESS: I pray that God soften my heart towards those I have yet forgiven. I pray that He opens my eyes to see that there are more to life than to hold onto something that doesn’t matter anymore. And in the future, that I learn to forgive even more and love more. That He do the same to those around me, and most importantly, that He forgives us for our sins and trespasses, for we know not of what we do.
  5. LEADERSHIP: Teachers, captains, directors, managers, team members, our soldiers, etc., I pray that they lead in the best direction, and for good purpose. I also pray that God lead me in the way He wants me, in the path that He wants to take me and that I lead with love, confidence and strength through Him in my future.
  6. RELATIONSHIPS: I pray that the relationships I build both are a blessing and a lesson. Something to cherish and learn from because I believe there’s a reason for everyone who walks into your life. I pray for the man I definitely love, my relationship with my family and my friends, and I definitely pray for the relationship with Christ that I want to build stronger.
  7. UNITY/RECONCILIATION: I pray to make things right between me and those I seek reconciliation with. I pray that God speak through me and that we all open our minds, and our hearts to the love that’s being poured out. I don’t look for a relationship with everyone, but that if something goes wrong, it’s not going to be the end of the world.
  8. FAMILIES: Families will always be broken. There’s never a perfect family, but God mends and heals broken hearts. Things happen, and at the end of the day, it’s really how you handle things. So I pray that God enter homes and His will be done. I know exactly what it’s like to not have a great relationship with my parents, and to this day, sometimes I wonder if I ever did anything to make them proud, but I’m reminded that no matter how hard I try, how hard I work, and whatever choices I make, it’s my life and I live it for Christ. I’m not perfect, and family doesn’t always have to be blood, but those who stand next to you and tell you, they love you and are proud of you.
  9. COURAGE: Courage where there is fear. Put on the full armor of God, stand in God’s strength, and remember, even when you think you’re at war, God has already won the fight.
  10. JOY: I pray the Lord overwhelm me with joy. That I dance and sing in my spunkiness attitude and know nothing can bring me down. I especially pray that for my loved ones, the ones I care for and they deserve to be happy.

SO that so far, is TEN DAYS! There’s eleven more days, but after day ten, I will definitely update you on what I need to pray for and would love to share with you guys. Praying is powerful. I know a lot of times I feel like it doesn’t do anything, but that’s my test of faith. In the end, God really does surprise me and it is awesome. 14 more days to go!



What Are You Waiting For?

This morning I woke up, took my best friend to work and drove to Cream and Coffee downtown to buy an iced chai latte because that’s exactly what I wanted this morning. The line was also the longest I’ve ever seen it, I mean, the butt of my car was pretty much in traffic rushing to the school and the courthouse.

As I was sitting there, I received a call from one of my guy friends wishing me a great day and that he loved me. I thought it was so sweet of him and told him I was just waiting in line for some coffee. We spoke forever and he asked, “you’re still waiting?” 

An hour later after we had spoken and I got my chai latte, the question pondered in my head…”you’re still waiting?”

I sensed God reminding me to, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” {Romans 12:12}

Experiencing God means that we’re overflowing with joy that’s uncontainable, you just want to shout on the mountain tops His praises. Joy is more complete when we’ve faithfully and patiently waited. This one car in front of me didn’t want to wait anymore, so she drove out of line, and it never came across to me to leave because I didn’t want to wait. I sit here wondering now, how many times have I missed out on life because I didn’t want to wait? What awaited me ahead and I wasn’t patient enough to experience it? I mean the man in front of her, could’ve paid for her drink and she missed out. You know what I mean?

Waiting takes a lot of patience, that patience takes strength and faith which puts our hope in the things not yet seen. That is a necessity in living and leading a God-inspired life and even though we don’t know what is ahead of us, whether it’s scary or surprising, our trust in God is all we need to have to move forward. It’s like taking a leap of faith. Putting on the full armor of God to prepare yourself for what’s coming and being joyful in hope, patient in what causes pain, and being faithful in prayer, our God is taking care of it. Trust Him while you wait. Though right now, you could be suffering emotionally or financially, or your relationship isn’t what you need it to be, or school is pushing you to the edge, you’ve got to stay in line and wait. 

I feel like every aspect in my life is struck by waiting to some degree. Waiting for direction, healing, redemption, and so on. I’m waiting for answers, for school, and tedious enough, for a man I’ve fallen in love with. I catch myself waiting and wondering when I’ll get to enjoy my drink of coffee. Encouraged by the Word of God however, we are reminded always that God has something greater planned for our future, nothing to fear and to always trust Him.

One day you’ll wake up and all of this waiting will have made sense. The prayers you whisper at night and cry out in moments of darkness, were wrapped tightly in God’s grace. Where you thought it was over for you, God said, “no, you’re okay and everything that was suppose to happen, happened.” Everyone that you meet, you were suppose to meet, to embrace, to share, to love. Everything that you did, everywhere you went, and that waiting you did, will have brought you great joy. God has you, and you’re right where you need to be. So while you wait patiently, work hard. Fight with love and with the full armor of God. Stay in line because you may miss out on some great opportunities. Shoot your shot, and though we are sinners and we will make mistakes through our lives, our God’s grace is so much BIGGER and more BEAUTIFUL than you can imagine.

Call someone, tell them you love them, take photos, smile and laugh, watch movies, buy tacos and fajitas, go to the bowling alley, sing worship or rap from your own words. Be joyful in all these things. Stand strong in His strength. Be constant in your prayer and remember that every word you say, He hears. Life will move forward, and you just need to assure to yourself who is there for you, who will be there for you, who cares about you, who loves you, and that God will always love you because you belong to HIM. 




Glimmer in the Dust

Hey guys, how are y’all? I’m super stoked to be back right now, and am profusely sorry that I’ve been inactive lately. I’ve had emails and texts from some of my readers and you guys mean a lot to me, because really, I’m no one but an actual broke server from Denny’s who’s 19 and just served her first jury duty and renewed her own car registry like the adult she’s trying to be. Is it weird that I was kind of excited doing both?

Anyways, I am so happy that the weather is becoming warmer and brighter. I’m happy because that means the flowers are going to start blooming again. I enjoy watching the blue skies as it changes colours while the sun sets. Sitting a top of my favorite hill, and being in awe of every painted sky, a canvas of God’s grace.

However, if I’m going to be honest, I feel as if that moment only lasts but a second…
My heart has been carrying some weight and I haven’t been the bubbly and spunky Mal that use to be.

I feel lost in the moment, a glimmer in time. Kind of like a child chasing shadows with her back to the light. A little lost. Confused, not knowing which way to go or how.

Until ten minutes ago, I was reminded this:

The pain you’ve been feeling, cannot compare to the joy that’s coming.

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later. {Romans 8:18}

So what do we do now? Wait. Be brave and wait. I know waiting is scary, and we have no idea what lies ahead of us, but the thing is, God knows. He’s a step ahead of us, He is in control of things. Our God is a God of mercy and grace. Redemption and salvation. So you could fidget and worry. Sit there and sigh all day and wonder what’s coming.

Or you could find love in the moment. Breathe it in, the morning air. There’s a place that you belong where you’ll see the fullness of love. Lost in His awesome wonder whether it’s sitting in solitude watching the sky in the day as it turns to night. The stars are as bright as ever.

So while you’re waiting, do not be afraid. Let your faith remain the same. Our hope in the things not yet seen are found in the greatest of these.

Tell Satan, “not today.” Keep working, keep striving. Never give up. Fall down seven times and get up eight. Without commitment, you’ll never start and more importantly, without consistency, you’ll never finish. Ease is a greater threat to progress, than hardship. So keep moving, keep growing and keep learning.

Wait, but while you wait, work hard. Be you and be happy. Most importantly, remember who’s here for you. You don’t need to fight for anyone’s approval or love, because sometimes we need to love ourselves first. God loves us first.

When all said and done, all that matters is love, so let love take over. Share something. Laugh. Hug someone. Be brave, and wait.

Here’s proof that love is real.

Love y’all buckets,


Here Lies Myself

When someone asks me how my day was, I want to say that it’s fair to partly cloudy with 90% chance of rain in the next hour.
I want to reply, my emotions are bottled up and if I drop my pen one more time I’m either going to scream or curl up and cry.

Except, I don’t tell anyone that. I laugh and say, “I’m doing alright.” 

One day, I was driving my best friend home from work, and I couldn’t hold myself together and my voice started cracking like two sets of knuckles before a disagreement and I poured out my heart, confessed all of what’s made me feel guilty and shameful and the next words she says to me were, “I forgive you.”
And though I wanted to hear some advice that would lift me up and smack me across the face to knock some sense in me, those words, “I forgive you,” have never felt more comforting than at that moment.

That my friends is called, ‘love.’ 

You want to know what love is?
Love forgives. Love takes you by the hand and gives you a tour of a museum filled with kaleidoscopes and laughter. Love dances with you and makes you move in ways you never thought your body could move, every motion, every step, every beat and count. Love hugs, love kisses, love says, “thank you for everything,” and love simply shares the smallest blessings and joys from a working ink pen to a written note.
Love makes you feel at your finest when you were at your lowest, and love can make you feel so beautiful about yourself.

Love died on the cross, was buried, and rose again. Love forgave and is still forgiving and teaches to forgive. 

My issue is that I have a hard time forgiving myself. I know I’ve screwed up a lot in my past life and I still currently make stupid-shit choices I regret, and I never forgive myself for it as much as other people can forgive me.

So this is me trying to forgive myself now. This old self I want gone. Where I hurt, I want Jesus to heal. Where I forgive others, I also want to forgive and love myself.
I use drinking as a coping option and I’m cutting that off. Of course, everyone’s young once and it happens. I’ve dealt with breakups that has always made me feel bad to this day, because I know that I’m no woman a man could ever desire. Let go of past friends for my own reasons. I get mad at red lights and curse at people in my head for saying the most stupid things..

So dear me, I forgive you. I forgive you for not taking care of yourself during times of darkness. I forgive you for screwing up and not knowing how to fix it even when it’s too late. I forgive you for crying and sulking when you had open arms everywhere, yet you were too scared to reach out. I forgive you for the toxic relationships you refused to get out of. You held them the way a boat holds water and should have left once you started sinking. I forgive you for not forgiving you because you don’t know how to love yourself and you’re trying.

It’s a start right? Somewhere? No more self doubt, or drinking, or harming myself by not even eating or drinking. I’m not perfect. I’m 100% human, I’m a sinner, I love Jesus with all my heart and that doesn’t mean I don’t curse when I forget where I put my wallet or tell the truth when my parents ask where my new clothes have come from (#shopaholic).

Here’s a challenge you could do with me: Love.
Love like there’s no tomorrow. Love like it’s on your priority list, love by forgiving yourself and others, love by holding the door open for your mom and strangers, love by giving someone dear a hug and telling them to have a great day, and love by praying.
Make clouds out of your breath this cold season, create memories through photos and captions, go to a thrift shop and buy 89¢ bead necklaces and bracelets. I want to go travel. I want to minister to people. I’m just as human as you and the next person. I want to go to concerts and dance. I want to rap a whole song without looking at the lyrics. I want to crack open a beer, and just one, with my friends and have a bonfire. I want to work hard, save up and buy a new car. I want to go to school again. I want to have bomb ass sex one day and wake up the next morning ready for more. Hell, I’m no different than anyone else and I want to grow and be proud.

Look in the mirror and smile because God created the most beautiful and handsome person there. Build a house out of sticks and mud, and even if the walls are uneven, love it anyway. Love it like a puppy, like a season, like a child. Love how you can hate yourself sometimes, and learn to love yourself all over again. I know how easy it is to self doubt, and when you mess up, you feel the guilt and shame and it hurts. It hurts when you know that you’ve disappointed someone you care for most. It hurts because then you feel alone. But I know this….one day Jesus is going to come. Then after that process, we’ll all be together, happy, joyful, praising and dancing and gather at His table because He welcomes us with open arms.

So I pray that you find it in your heart to forgive yourself. To love yourself and others, your neighbors and your enemies. Stand with God and be judged by the world rather than standing with the world and being judged by God. Give all your kindness and throw it like rice at a wedding. I pray that your heart is healed in places where you feel hurt, where you feel broken, God will mend and mold and shape you and guide you where He plans to have you. I want to lift you up for healing, comforting, wisdom and strength. And my hopes are that you and I begin this new year building up ourselves and others rather than tearing down, and that these past mistakes are lessons to be learned. In Jesus’s name I pray, amen.

Facetune 6

“The JOY of the LORD is my strength.”  August 2017

I love y’all buckets,


Happy 2018 everyone! 

I’m looking back on His faithfulness, and oh how dwelling on Him makes my heart sing. It makes me dance. It makes me wonder the things He has for me. He was there holding everything. He grew and shaped my heart in ways I didn’t know it could and by His love, I walked in the beauty of what it means to be in the fire and have stood because He was my ever present help in trouble just as He said He would.

I have gone through great amounts of pain, laughter, joy, and sorrow and I can’t believe the number of things I learned and have experienced. The amount of friends I made and lost, and the love I’ve shared with guys I’ve dated. The job I loved and lost and the one I’m growing to love now.

I don’t know about y’all but I’m joyful. Content. Wonderfully blessed and I can’t stop feeling butterflies. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m doing grown up things and I’m proud of myself. Maybe it’s the guy I text and flirt with everyday with high hopes that he’ll look to me and call me his girl. Maybe it’s the love and light of all the people in my life I keep so close to me now and never want to lose. Whatever it is, all I can say is I’m blessed. It’s definitely well with my soul.

This past year He showed me even more how to see the success in others and truly cheer them on and encourage them, which is one of the reasons why I chose to start this blog. His still small voice, I hear Him tell me, “let it go,” “lay it at my feet,” “look for me,” “I am doing something greater, so trust in me.”
And though there were times I felt depressed, times I felt alone and times I felt hurt, He comforted me in those times and He was always there, just like He is now for you and me.

I hope this year brings you buckets of laughter and joy. Through any pain or trials, know that God is still with you and for you. He guides you and will love you no matter what. Don’t let the year get the best of you, but get the best out of the year. Show everyone that it’s a different date, but the same you, the same goals. I can’t wait to take on this journey to the next level with my readers. Building and loving and sharing, it makes me jump with excitement!

Happy New Year!

Love y’all buckets, 

Dear Complainers,

On my worst days, I often try thinking to myself that the woman who survives this will thank me one day for not giving up. You see, one of my highest ambitions and intentions is to crawl out from under this wreckage and laugh at all the things that had the slightest thought of burying me.

I also like to smile, shrug it off, and try to remind myself that things could be worse.
I could be in debt. I could be jobless or homeless. I could be in a wheelchair or in a more terrible situation.

So what’s a bad day look like to you? Tell me about your bad day. Talk to me about the traffic this evening. About your boss, your co-workers and how you’ve been trying to get rid of your job you loathe but desperately need in order to pay your bills. Tell me about the rude woman who bumped into you and complained because you didn’t bother saying “excuse me”, when it was clear that you had the right-of-way.

Did your dog tear up your Christmas gifts? Did your alarm clock scream, steal the key to your smile then drove it up to 6AM and crash, totaled your peace and the insurance couldn’t cover your sleep schedule? Tell me how blessed are we to have tragedies so small, it can fit the tips of our tongues, you can barely taste it.
You see when my aunt’s husband accidentally ran over his 5 year old daughter, he became speechless. When the guy from high school sexually assaulted my friend, she didn’t speak for 24 hours, and when my uncle was shot in another foreign country, we had to send a whole search party to find my mother’s voice.

There are people out there who feel like their world is falling apart around them because of bombs being dropped from the sky. People who are constantly bullied, judged, hated, assaulted and sometimes even murdered because of the color of their skin. Families torn apart because some people can’t afford lawyers to help them in cases of immigration and those secrets are kept in order to keep the house from feeling like a puzzle with missing pieces. 21st century girls and boys who are abandoned because mom’s and dad’s would rather live in a world filled with drugs or other addictions rather than nurturing the very beautiful thing they created, the very beautiful thing that some couples cannot create.

Often times, people don’t really see and have no clue that catastrophe and silence are in the exact same location.
This is when your days are a museum of disappointments hanging from events that were outside of your control. It’s when you find yourself flailing helplessly, in a sea of, “why is this happening to me?” and while you’re drowning pleading for help, it feels like they’re just standing there at the edge shouting to you, “learn how to swim.”

When it feels like your guardian angel put in his two-week notice two months ago and just decided not to tell you. When it feels like God is a baby sitter that’s always on the phone which isn’t true in fact, He is there, but you’re so darn focused on what you can see, you forget to take a couple of big steps back to see the bigger canvas.
It’s when you get punched in the gut by a fistful of life wondering how to win this fight, but remember that every year, about three to four million people die of dehydration and so it doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty, there’s water in the cup, so drink it. 

Here’s a fun fact: after you workout, your body repairs or replaces damaged muscle fibers through a cellular process where it fuses the fibers together to form new muscle protein strands or myofibrils. It increases the thickness and number of muscle. You see, muscle is simply created by repeatedly lifting things that are heavy, or that have been designed to weigh us down, so when your shoulders feel heavy, and your surroundings and sorrows have become baggage that you can’t stand holding anymore and your arms are about to give out, stand up straight, lift your chin, and you can even call it exercise. This life is a gym with a membership that has a really complicated cancellation policy. But remember that you will survive and things could be worse. 

When the world crumbles around you, you have to look at the wreckage and then build a new one out of all the pieces that are still there. Don’t let it bury you. Remember you are still here and that God still loves you and is FOR you. Nobody is too broken for the grace of Jesus.

“And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” —Colossians 3:15

The human heart beats approximately four thousand times per hour, and with each pulse, each beat, each throb and each palpitation, whisper the simple, tender yet powerful words,
“you are still alive.”

So act like it. 

Love you buckets,

Vulnerability and Character

Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? To reach out to another man or woman when you need help and dive in head first into your shame?

Are you strong enough to be sensitive and cry whether you are hurting or happy, even if it makes you look weak?

Are you confident enough to listen to the people in your life and hear their ideas and their solutions? To hold their anguish and actually believe in them even if what they’re saying is against you? Whether they are young, old, a person who had the perfect grades and a degree or someone who didn’t go to college?

This is what we need in this world. Brave peers. Strong mentors. Confident leaders. 
And if you think about it, you are totally that, if you step foot out and take that challenge. What you need to do before you go off conquering the world, is focus more on your character rather than worrying of your reputation. Your character is WHO you are behind the curtains, and your reputation is what you’re known for (both mistakes and victories). Your character is how you act and what you do by yourself….and in front of God.

Your character can also help your reputation. The ultimate example in this case would be Jesus. He says who He is by Himself, and depending on who you’re asking, His reputation varied. If you asked His disciples, He is the Son of God. If you asked those who persecuted Jesus, they believed He was a joke. In conclusion, Jesus is the Son of God, AND your reputation isn’t the same everywhere, it’s an opinion. 

An opinion at which you have the power of choosing how to respond to it. You could be angry at it, offended, or choose to accept it or ignore it and move on. You can’t live your whole life trying to impress everyone because it’s only going to drain you out. You’ll end up doing things that you normally wouldn’t do, becoming a whole different person, and a secret you may not have heard is that, private victories translate into public victories. You’re doing the right thing when you’re by yourself, which will turn around and become a public thing because that’s what you’re use to, how you work, what you do and people will see the salt and light that you are.

What does your character look like when you’re angry or irritated? Of course anger isn’t wrong, I mean Jesus even got angry at times; but analyze yourself in a place where you want something, but God says ‘no.’

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry..” 
Ephesians 4:26 NIV (read further in your bible, it gets intense!!!)

A ‘no’ often means that there’s a better ‘yes’ somewhere else, but in those times, rejection or that simple “no,” is not really the answer we want to hear.
So then you lose patience or you get frustrated.

Your frustration is trying to tell you something, that something doesn’t really fit in your life anymore. It’s telling you that something needs to be adjusted and that God is requiring a GREATER level of focus.

That frustration will help you focus. You’ll be bothered by a lot of things and you just need a good dose of that frustration every now and then to make you mad enough to help you see and focus on what you’re missing out on. Like five year olds who throw tantrums when parents say no, we are exactly that when our God who is also like our parent says no, for our own good.

So I’m challenging you today, my reader, to take some time in your day to think about how you can glorify His name by your actions and words. Forgiving, loving, sharing, asking someone how their day is. Become a leader and believe in yourself. Don’t beat yourself up too much because you’re only taking steps back when you need to move forward. It’s definitely not going to be easy, but you have the FULL ARMOR OF GOD on and nothing can stop you now. You can’t blame anyone else but yourself if you give up, so get up and move.

By God’s grace that saved a wretch like you and like me, we are found. We are called conquerers, we are called His, we are called to be salt and light and to share the joy that we are blessed with. To glorify His name that is high and mighty and that darkness trembles at. In His name, we are given strength, we are made beautiful, we are forgiven.
Though our shames and sins are ugly, His grace and love for us are bigger and more beautiful than what can compare.


Be fine, fierce and friendly.

Love y’all buckets,