Winning

What’s one of your biggest fears?
Spiders? The dark? Death? Rollarcoasters? ….Commitment?

Now, what are you scared of? 

See there’s a difference between being scared and having a fear or what others call, ‘phobia.’ You can be scared of something, but that’s not going to stop you from doing what you have to do. Let’s take for example me being scared of spiders. If I had a child who was defenseless and there was a black widow casually crawling towards my child, me being scared is not going to stop me from trying to kill the spider, grab my baby, pack our bags and burn the house down, right?

Fears on the other hand will KEEP you from doing something. My best friend and her huge fear of driving, will KEEP her from doing so. Kelsey? Yeah, she absolutely HATES it and will not touch a wheel. She’s 19 and she’s “taking her time” in getting over it so she can start driving. It tickles me sometimes.

Anyways, that’s the difference between being scared and having a fear.
I personally have a few, and everyone can have more than one fear. In order my fears would have to be the fear of rejection, being alone, failure, abandonment, and holes. I was always told by my brother and also Kelsey that I am a ‘people pleaser,’ and the meaning is in the name itself. I was and still am always scared of people not liking me for who I am or rejecting me, whether it’s a job, my friends, family, guys I’ve dated or am dating now, schools, anything you could think of. I have a hard time saying ‘no’ because I’m such a nice person and I hate that. It’s both a strength and a weakness. None of it meaning me wanting to be liked because I’m big headed or egotistic, I’m none of those things. It’s just because I hate when people are displeased with my presence and I feel bad for it. Being alone scares me because I love people and I love being next to someone or making sure their attention is on me and that they know I am there. Failure will keep me from getting back up and doing whatever I tried, because I’m scared of failing again, and abandonment just leads me to being alone. Also, I can’t stand holes. Don’t even want to say it, see it or talk about it, and it’s the little holes too. I’m cringing and want to cry right now because of it, it’s horrible.

Any of these fears I have can keep me from doing what I do or I just won’t try, which isn’t bad, I mean it’s human right? However, it’s not great either because how am I suppose to reach my goals if I have fears stopping me from all around? From rejection to abandonment and failure, how am I suppose to live my life and raise my future children to not fear anything?

Simply by reading His word.
Repeating to myself from Psalm 56:3, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” In Joshua 1:9, it states, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Because He is with you, you shouldn’t be afraid of spiders or the dark. Because He has you, you shouldn’t fear what is going to happen after your job interview, or what your college test scores will be. Granted it’s human and totally normal to be concerned or scared, but do not let fear stop you from rising, shining and grinding for your goal. While everyone else lays away, goes to parties, sleeps or does their own thing, don’t let your fear of what other people’s opinions are of you stop you from working hard and reaching what your aspire to be one day. 

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34) If God is for you, who could be against you? There will be trouble out there. There will be trials and dark valleys to go through, but I promise you, if you put your trust in Jesus, He will comfort you and walk with you and will never leave nor forsake you.

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the one where the disciples were on a boat, and saw Jesus walking on water but were afraid because they thought He was a ghost and immediately Jesus said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Then Peter asked “Lord if it’s you, let me come to you on water,” and so as Jesus told Peter to walk towards Him, Peter began to panic halfway through and was afraid.
He began to cry out, “Lord, save me!”
Jesus then reached out His hand and caught Peter while he was sinking saying, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” Afterwards, everyone started praising and worshipping, believing in the Son of God.

This story reminds me of how us, as humans and as children of God, we take a lot of the little things and over think it. Personally as a woman, I sure do over think the littlest of things, and the devil has his way of hovering over us and giving us this fear factor of, “you can’t do it, you’re not enough for it, you’re going to fail, just quit,” and it becomes a repetitive voice that lingers, including insecurity and anxiety, and it begins to build more and more, and we forget the one and simple note that Jesus is for us and He is with us. He’s the one who gives us strength, hope and courage to take on the day and whatever happens, the consequences or mistakes, we take them as is and keep moving forward. You get back up, you don’t stop, you don’t quit, you just GET UP and KEEP MOVING. 

Your fear may always be there, telling you the worst of things to scare you, but God’s voice is heard over the distractions and all the noises saying, “come through, child, come through,” and don’t cut corners for anybody because you want and need to do it God’s way more than you should do it your way or their way. Your faith doesn’t prevent you from going through an attack, it gives you the fortitude to get back up.

As said in Psalm 37:23-24, “The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD hold them by hand.” He’s got your back like no one else has, and the amount of encouragement I want to send you today, I hope you know that I believe you can do it, I believe you can withstand the storm and let the chains break because if you only have faith as little as a mustard seed, you can go a long ways.

I know this blog is super late, and I usually do my posting on Sundays/Mondays, but here I am and I’m super sorry! But I love you readers so much, and I encourage you today, to read into His word. Look up how many verses there are about fear and let Him comfort you. His love stood down death and crushed the devil’s head. Fear is just a liar running out of breath. Let the devil know, “NOT TODAY.” And share to everyone else, lifting them up, that we are all standing on Jesus’ Name. 

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Love you buckets,
Mal

IDENTITY CRISIS

I’m bouncing back. In my last blog, I mentioned how I’m dealing with some personal issues and things that have been bringing me down. Well here’s how I am going to bounce back from all this:

So yesterday, I was driving down to Austin to stay the night at my mother’s place, and during this three hour drive, I thought to myself and spoke to God some.

I realized that lately, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I was listening to the song, “No Longer Slaves,” which is one of my favorite worship songs, and the chorus comes up:
“I’m no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God.” Singing along to it of course made me cry, and I had a moment of silence where I asked myself, “who am I?”

I have been putting up with so much burden and have so much weighing on my heart. Running between family, friends, work, financial issues, illnesses, relationships, insecurities, future plans, trying to “adult,” and it’s all creating this anxiety and building up a bit of depression in me. Trying to juggle everything at once to make sure things are right and at the same time, putting a smile on my face to make sure people don’t constantly ask, “what’s wrong?”

And I’m trying to give. To give my all. To give my full forth the effort, and my whole heart to people I feel who truly deserve it. Giving gifts and things to people I feel like who deserve to be surprised with love and a little bit of happy, and I’m trying so hard, I’m really, really trying…Trying to impress others, trying to look good for my man, trying to make sure my best friend doesn’t regret our close relationship, trying to take care of issues that I should leave alone, I am trying.

I still feel like I’m not enough and I just want to GIVE UP.

After all of this trying, I lost sight of the bigger picture. I’m too close and need to take about a few steps back and was told to ask myself:

  1. Who am I, if I were to strip the waitress that works at Denny’s?
  2. Who am I, if I were to strip that “cute, little Asian,” everyone describes as?
  3. Who am I, if I were to strip the daughter of the father and mother I disappointed?
  4. Who am I, if I were to separate myself from my best friend, my gang of friends, my man, and other peers?
  5. Who is Malane, if she were to strip of all of this sin and shame?

I suddenly then realize that I’m dealing with an identity crisis:

noun

PSYCHIATRY
noun: identity crisis; plural noun: identity crises
  1. a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person’s sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

Essentially, my solution is to find who I am in Christ. If I want to heal, that’s the way I need to, is to sit in a moment of solitude, maybe open the book and pray. I’m so lost in trying to prove myself worthy to others, I forget that God already calls me WORTHY. I’m so focused on trying to fix things and make sure things are perfect, when God tells me not to worry of these things but to seek Him, seek His face and focus on Him. 
Earlier yesterday, I served a regular customer who comes in every day, and he’s so sweet. He says he comes in at least twice a day for breakfast and/or lunch, and he asked me, “Mal….how long have you lived in Palestine?” “About 6 or 7 years, give or take,” I replied. He then asked, “do you like it here?” I thought about it for 5 seconds and said, “not really.” Then the next question is what made me get into my feelings for the rest of the evening: “If you could go anywhere else in this world, where would it be?” 
I couldn’t give him an answer. I didn’t know and I was at a loss. I told him that I really want to go into ministry and he told me he’d pray for me.

I felt emotional because when he asked me those questions, I thought, “wow Mal, where are you going in life? What are you doing? Who are you? Who am I?” I kept scaring myself with doubts and thoughts of not making it in life, and becoming a failure. I haven’t given much thought of my own future because I’m so busy with what’s going on now and feeling sad and sorry for myself, I keep forgetting to look ahead. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know how I’m going to do anything, and if I’m going to make it in this life. I’m scared of failure, I’m scared of rejection and I’m scared of doing it alone, let alone being alone through all of it.

If there’s a place that I want to go, it’d be where I could lose myself in Him. In worship, lost in His presence and where the Holy Spirit fills the atmosphere. I want to be in a place where I could freely laugh and smile and giggle with joy because I know there’s nothing to fear and the devil could not bare to stand it! That’s where I want to be. Whether it’s in church, a school, my bedroom…I want to feel alive again, and I don’t want to be this “Debby Downer,” I want to be MALANE, who’s calling is bigger than I can imagine and what anyone else says about it. I know this mountain of mine is big, but my God is bigger. I know my burdens are heavy, but my God is strong. I know my sin and shame is ugly, but God’s grace is much more beautiful. I know this anxiety and depression wants to sink in to my mind, but my heart is telling me to not fear and give my ALL to the one who’s waiting for me, who’s running towards me, and who’s been calling my name this whole time. Jesus didn’t die on the cross just for me to sit and mope and worry about my appearance or personality, but to be free and broken of these chains. 

You guys….If you’ve read this blog this far, I’m going through an identity crisis and am in need of healing and of prayers. I know I’m stronger than all of this and I can bounce back. I really need to seek myself in Christ, because I’m lost and need to be found. I desire to be healed and have major heart surgery by my God. I need His guidance. Without Him, I’m falling apart and He’s the one that guides our hearts in times of darkness. I’m super thankful for those who have been checking in on me and supported me in times like these. I don’t know if I should set a reminder for myself, or some type of confirmation, but grace has won.

I know most of this is absolutely personal, but if you’re going through something similar or the same, or something worse, maybe you can do this too. Maybe you can bounce back too and maybe we can do this together. As brothers and sisters in Christ, being together, sharing love and praying for another is the best we can do and I encourage you to spend some time alone with God. Turn off your notifications, put down your computer, turn off the t.v., go to a room and open up your bible or if you need one, your phone can provide it and turn on some worship music even. Get lost in Him so that you can be found.

Grace is found where He is. He splits the sea so I can walk right through it. My fears are drowned in PERFECT LOVE. He rescues me so I can say: I AM A CHILD OF GOD. 

“The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” —Psalm 116:5-8 NIV

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My silhouette taken by Chris Winfield. Here’s where my journey starts in finding who I am. And it starts with the simple fact of knowing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I love y’all buckets,
Mal.
P.S. Check out the encouraging messages page. I actually have finally updated it!!!!
Here’s a link to it:  New Encouraging Message

I’m Taking a Break

Hey y’all, I just thought I’d let you know that I’ll be taking a break for a week or two from blogging….I really need some healing and here’s why:

I’m at a moment of weakness. I’m hurting, and there’s no one here for me right now.
Tears are constantly rolling down my cheeks and I can’t stop. I can’t sleep or eat, and I’m up late at night contemplating, taking long hot showers and baths, contemplating…

I don’t know who to run to any more. My mom isn’t here, and I can’t depend on my parents for any advice. My little brother’s head is stuck in his high school studies. My friends wouldn’t want to be bothered with anything they wouldn’t know what to do with. The one person I like a lot, I wish was here right now, can’t be because he’s always busy. My sister/best friend that I live with never really has time for me and she’s dealing with her own issues.

I feel alone. I feel broken and alone. I’m at a loss right now. Overwhelmed with everything that’s happening right in front of me and I’m slowly falling apart and I couldn’t see it until now. This whole time while I’m putting on a face for the crowd, while I’m all sunshine and flowers because no one wants to be close to a Debby Downer, I am feeling heartbreak, I am scared and am breaking down mentally and emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I feel like I’ve lost sight of God at the moment…I feel like I’m losing and I don’t know where I’m going. I hate feeling this way, I hate thinking this way, and I hate saying these things, because while I’m trying to encourage others with words of TRUTH, I can’t accept my own words into my heart other than “I am not enough.”
There’s so much that’s going through my mind and that’s weighing on my heart, I just need someone to lean on and cry by and I want to know that it’s going to be okay because I feel like it’s far from okay and it’ll never be okay.

Can I vent a moment? About the things I see tumbling down right in front me? About the things that’s weighing down on me, that I’m carrying on my tray and can’t lift because it’s so heavy? About my mom and dad moving and it’s a burden on my brother because he’s a year away from graduating and he’s worked so hard on what he’s aiming for, and I won’t get to see him as often anymore. About my sister and her boyfriend on and off about what’s going on, and I feel like I’m not enough to help her and I wish I could, I wish I could just spend a day with her without her having to think of her troubles and just spend time with me, because I miss her and I love her dearly. About my best friend, and what our plans are as far as college, and what we’re suppose to do in a year or two. Financially, I’m concerned because lately I’ve been ill physically which never happens, so I have doctor visits to pay, hospital bills that are due, and I’m trying to build my credit? Like, why is adulting so extra? About why I suddenly am physically sick, when again, this never happens so I’m missing out on working and other things. And I don’t even want to start with this relationship non-relationship thing I have going, honestly, I’m going to end up heartbroken and I just need to get use to shit like this, and I feel like I’m losing life right now, I’m being judged by people who’s never spoken to me before and I guess it’s normal to feel like God’s disappointed in me and is angry at me, even though He’s not an angry God, He’s very loving. There’s a lot more I could go on and on about…

I’m hurt. Dammit, I’m hurt, and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that one day, bottling all of this up, I’ll break down in the middle of my work day or during a date or something. So I really need a break to heal. I need healing and I really can’t do it alone, because I hate being alone. I know God is here for me, but physically, He can’t give me a hug and tell me what to do. I really need this break. I really need prayer. I want a hug. I want to be healthy again, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to be heartbroken and I feel it. I don’t want to be hurt, but I am.

Maybe I’ll post an update by Saturday, but I really need to find myself and find sight of Jesus too.

Love you buckets,
Mal

Broken Jars

It’s Monday night, about 6pm. It’s cold outside, and I’m enjoying a nice cup of generic brand TheraFlu, because I’ve been sick this past week and am now getting over it.

Anyways, I’ve been sitting here listening to music and have been reading into it, and I started crying. Out of no where, my face had tears streaming and I couldn’t help but feel so chipped and broken, like an old mason jar, overwhelmed with stress, anxiety, insecurity and burden. I close my bible and breath for a few seconds, and opened my book back up to a whole different page….you wouldn’t believe the first scripture I laid my eyes on:

“but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” —2 Corinthians 4:7

I read this whole chapter and I feel my heart beating and chills down my spine. The words just speak, His words, spoke to me. At the moment, I’m at a place of hurt and am dealing with a lot of insecurities and doubt, and though I am healing and am working things out for myself, it’s going to take some time. I feel useless and helpless, as if no one really cares for what I do, what I give, who I am…

We all feel that way sometime though, like chipped, flawed or broken mason jars. None of us are perfect. BUT the TRUTH is that Jesus changed that: “For by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Hebrews 10:14 NIV).
We may feel like we have nothing to offer and that we’re too broken or flawed to be used by God, but that’s simply not true.

God has a habit of using the most unlikely people. Take for example Moses’ struggle with public speaking or Jonah’s stubbornness, or Sarah’s refusal to believe that God would give her a child. There’s so much more, and so many others who had problems, issues and flaws that God chose. We can’t use our brokenness as an excuse to avoid what God is calling us to do. God wants to use us NOW. Even through our struggles, we can still inspire others because they can see God’s grace working through us even though we’re as broken as they are. 

We are like these mason jars that are flawed, imperfect, chipped and broken and empty, however God sees something more, and He, like a potter, takes us, the cracked jars, and puts us back together again to create something even more beautiful than before.
He’s healing all of our brokenness, but He’s also calling us to partner with Him while that process takes place. He’s molding you into something beautiful and as beautiful and wonderful as you already are, I can’t imagine what God will help guide and mold you into!
He’s your one defense and righteousness, and don’t ever forget that God is healing your brokenness.

If you have any prayer requests or any praises to share, please feel free to comment or email me! I would love to pray for or with you!

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Love you buckets,

Mal

How to defeat PAIN

Have you ever experienced pain before? 

Maybe you’ve lost a job, or have marital problems. You were bullied or are being bullied in school or maybe someone broke your heart. Whatever it is, everyone has or is going through something and when pain comes along, you have a decision to make.

You can choose to focus on the pain and it’ll never go away. It’ll only get worse, you’ll become depressed and one day it can completely destroy you.

What you can do instead, is have things to work towards during the tough times and have goals to reach. So if you’ve lost a job, don’t sit around for a couple of months until you “get back on your feet,” send out resumes the week after. If you’ve been bullied at school, tell someone about it and make it a goal to make new friends who are good for you and are positive and will support you. Someone broke your heart? Grab your girls or guys, go out and do some stupid, crazy or fun. Put together a cool bucket list in your budget and check them off, and then get back out there again.

If you have all those goals, and pain comes along, you’ll start to embrace that heartache and burden. It starts to become a motivation, a fuel to keep moving forward with life instead of taking a step back. Because you’re focused on your goals and the positives, that pain starts to pass through you and yes you’ll feel hurt, yes you’ll be disappointed because it’s only human, but it’s the matter of what your focus is on. Is it on the loss of a loved one, or are you going to celebrate the life they lived? Is it losing your girlfriend who you cared for a lot, or are you going to forgive and do something you like for a change? Is it being bullied and feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to show those bullies who you are and how proud you are of yourself, because God made you, YOU, and no one else can be you. Some nights you may cry yourself to sleep, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel hurt and tell someone about it…but it’s even better to find your focus on what’s ahead of you when you’re finished.

You see, life is 10% what you make it, and 90% how you take it. You love those who love you and treat you right, and pray for those who have anger or hate towards you. The world will not always give you recognition for the good that you do, and will put you down for the one mistake that you make. Rise above that criticism and stay strong. Don’t amplify that one thing and remember not to let compliments get to your head, and criticism get to your heart. You wake up with a positive mind set, your whole day can be what you make it!

Rise, shine and grind for your goal. Show the world what your purpose is, and give praises and glory to God, because He gives you days to wake up to. You take one step, and darling, God will take 15 for you. He feels for the hurt and brokenhearted and is near to them, and He asks you to give Him your burden. Leave it all to Him and the mountain that’s in front of you will thrown into the midst of the sea. Focus on what’s good and who’s good. Who is there to catch you when you fall? Jesus. Along with Him, your friends, your lover, your confidant, your parents, your siblings, etc.

Maybe it’s a hug you need. I sure as heck need one of those right now myself! Last but not least, don’t forget to pray about it. First pray, then take action. Remember, you have your part too, and if you don’t take your step, then it might be a little hard to get where you need to go. Find yourself in a peaceful place and let go of everything that weighs on you, and defeat pain with moving forward.

“Dear friend, I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit.” —3 John 1:2

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Love you buckets, 

Mal

 

Life as a Server (pt. 1)

I find so much joy in my job and what I do. I know a lot of people are like, “waitressing jobs suck, because the pay rate is so low and you get treated like trash.”

False.

Sure, pay isn’t what you want it to be, but I think it’s perfectly fine. To be honest, my paycheck FEELS like a bonus check than anything, and I don’t work just for money, I work for the wonderful satisfaction of serving someone else. Yes in reality, money helps, I mean I don’t know how I manage to pay almost $800 worth of bills, but I feel like being a server is also a chance to bless someone by talking to them and making them feel good. I enjoy speaking words of life over others and making sure they’re pretty happy.

I believe that if you give respect, more than likely you will receive it, and vice versa. I actually care about every guest that comes in through the door. You never really know if someone is having a bad day, or just needs some type of happy in their day. Anyone could be going through loss, depression or have prayed for some kind of light. We are to be the salt in this world, and spread that love and joy. I mean, I have bad days myself, and some people aren’t patient enough, but one of my philosophies are: if you wake up with Jesus on your mind and with a positive attitude, your day can be as amazing as you can make it. 

I absolutely love my crew. They’re all so funny and helpful. Sweet sometimes, and caring. I love how, LeeAnn would make inappropriate jokes with me, or how Mary and I talk about partying and how silly we can get. I love how sweet and innocent Princess is, or how Cindi and Mollie would give me hugs and kisses like they’re both my mothers. All the cooks are awesome, Miss Rebecca and Theo, KC and Bear. Francesca, or whom we call ‘mama,’ is super sweet. Our hostesses and dishwashers are bomb too, like Trisha, Mac and Mrs.B.

The rest of the others rock too. One of the best part, is that my best friend Kelsey and my home girl and sister Martha works with me too. It’s this whole crazy crew that get on each other’s nerves and love each other too. Last but not least, our managers are pretty great too. Lance, Robert and Cherish. Cindi and Mollie are managers too, but I think these three are the real deal.

I’m not a suck up, and I’ll be damned if anyone thought that I was trying to be on someone’s “good side,” or whatever, but I truly care about these people. I love these folks as if I knew them forever. These people bring the good out of me, and they’re such big blessings in my life, and I’m happy. I’m happy with my job, the people at my job, and serving people and bringing smiles.  Not everyday is perfect, but I can definitely make everyday the best possible. You can too!

I’ll tell you more about it soon.

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Love you buckets,

Mal

TRUTH

“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?” (Psalm 27:1)

A lot of us spend time worrying about what others think about us and even reorienting our lives in order to impress others or leave them satisfied and happy with us. The problem is, living to please others can be super tiring! Besides that, we really can’t control what other people think of us, am I right?

Truth be told, what others think of you doesn’t really matter as much as what God thinks of you. If you didn’t know, GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE, and He is your Defender! As the verse states, God is your light—even if you feel completely surrounded by and shrouded in darkness. He is your salvation—it’s not up to you to save yourself. And He is your Stronghold—a very REAL fortress.

Because of these important truths, you shouldn’t be afraid and live in fear of what other girls or other guys opinions of you. You could be the book smart person of the classroom, and people will talk about you and judge you. You could be one of the most prettiest girls, or well built guys, and people will judge you. However, their judgement means nothing, and what they say about you, says only more about them.

Let’s think about the story of Joseph and Mary for example. When everyone found out that Mary (the Virgin Mary), was pregnant and that Joseph was NOT the baby daddy, can you imagine the type of talk that went around town? Ephesians 4:29 states, “do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

What you can do, instead of worrying and feeling bad, is to walk through life in holy confidence that God is always with you despite what others say and no matter how your reputation has been damaged. At the same time, lift other spirits up and spread words of encouragement and love. Remember the truth…you are loved. You are wonderful, forgiven and unique. You are far more worthy and absolutely fantastic. You are cherished by our God and He will always hold you.

God will always hold you, protect you, and shield you. Most importantly, He loves you no matter who you are, what you’ve been through, when and where. 

Okay beautiful world changers, go out there and shine! 

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Love,

Mal

What is LOVE?

What does it mean that ‘God is love?’

What does it mean to put your trust in God’s love?

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.” (1 John 4:16 NIV)

What do you do when you find love, or feel loved, or anything in that matter? Do you run away? Do you get scared or timid and hide? Do you receive it and give it back?

I know it can be scary. You could love someone and they couldn’t love you back. It can hurt. You could be in love with someone for so many years, and one day, they break your heart or something happens that tear you apart from each other. It can be toxic. You could be in a relationship where he/she abuses you, takes advantage of you and you could never see it because you want to believe that he/she wants the best for you, but really they want what’s best for them.

I remember a time where I personally would run away from love. Being hurt young, and forever afraid of loving again because you don’t know what’s going to happen next. I remember a relationship I once had that was so important to me, I forgot my purpose, because I worried so much about bettering myself in the relationship, making myself look prettier or slim thick, or more smart. I treated other loved ones like jewelry and I felt miserable and blind. I wanted someone there for me, someone to hold me and tell me I can do it, and he was never there. Everything was toxic. We argued a lot, and disagreed on a lot of things. At that moment, I realized how far from God I was because of my focus on this guy. 

We broke up. We stopped talking and agreed to only speak to each other if it’s an emergency. I came to work crying over him and couldn’t stop. I felt so hurt, I can’t explain it with words, but it was like losing someone forever and they were still alive. I felt like, in a way, I was taken advantage of and I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to cry in bed and be pitiful. I felt so broken, I couldn’t trust another person to hold my heart again. After two weeks, I had finally convinced myself to stop being a little cry baby and get over it. What does one guy have over me? Well….a lot..but that wasn’t going to stop me from living and I wanted something better. I wanted to feel loved and be loved the right way.

However, my problem wasn’t that I wasn’t finding “Mr.Right,” but it was the fact of me not looking in the right direction. I put my trust in man, and I should’ve left my trust in God, Himself. In His love, because this whole time while crying over guys who would break my heart or use me for sex just to pleasure themselves and take away their stress even when I didn’t want to have any at all, God was there. This whole time while I pushed, bullied, and cheated on, He kept telling me to look to Him. While I sat alone under the pavilion at the park around 9:27 at night under the Christmas lights, sobbing, He stayed near me and loved me at my darkest. He loved me then, He loves me now, and He will love me forever. He never wanted to hurt me, God only wanted me to look to Him and trust in Him, in His love. I broke down into tears, and got onto my knees and asked for forgiveness. That’s when I poured my heart out and found out what love really is.

Love is such a beautiful thing. It reminds you how beautiful you are and how special you are. It brings you life and speaks purpose and encouragement over you, and when you’re at your darkest, it makes you giggle and dance and smile with joy in your heart and takes you out of that depression and sorrow because there’s so much more to be happy about than to wallow. Love lends you a hand to pick you up after a fall, and a shoulder for you to cry and wail on and let it all out. Love has no worry. Love has no burden. Love has no gender. Love has no restrictions. Love is love. God is love. 

Love doesn’t have to be a relationship. Love can be like you and your pet. You and your children, your siblings, and parents. Love can be like a man having the heart to walk up to another man or woman and pray over them, asking God to heal whatever burdens their heart. That’s love. Love is when you and your best friend share food together and bump heads and hug at work. Love is when you share a bed with your sister/best friend and spending the end of the day together watching Madea movies and laughing your butts off. Love is beautiful. Love is kind. Love is inspiring. Love motivates and brings peace to all chaos. Again, God is love. No love is greater than He.

I know you may have been through a heartbreak, or you’ve probably lost someone close to you and they were maybe your only friend, but don’t fret. God is always near. He does love you, even when you think you least deserve it. Yes, it feels good to be held and be loved in the way a man could love you and to have someone always there to see you and make you smile just by their presence, but it feels even better to know that God’s love is more everlasting than theirs, and the day where there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more fear, He will be there. We will praise Him, and rejoice and Jesus said He’d serve us and we wouldn’t serve Him. THAT’S LOVE.  There’s no sin too big or too small that will stop that love. You could hate God, and He still loves you. Your past could be filled with shame and God still loves you. I know I have not lived the way I should have, but I know for a fact, I’m still loved.

Right now, He’s blessed me with someone I want to love on also and the fact that I’m so in love with our Lord, it encourages me to share that love with that special someone of mine. To always remind him that Jesus loves him too and to encourage him everyday and speak life over him the way God has called us to do for others. This guy is different to me, and he’s special to me. He’s one of the reasons why I do this blogging thing, because he’s an encouragement, and he’s so sweet and loving and I want him to know I love him buckets.

My heart is filled with so much joy and love, I can’t contain it! God is just so good, and His love will forever be what I long for, all my days and I cannot wait for the rest of my life to share all of His love and His word!

You awesome, silly, beautiful, inspiring world changers, go LOVE!!!

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Love you guys, 

Mal

Trick Or Treat!

Hey what’s up, y’all!

Halloween is just right around the corner…literally, it’s on Tuesday! And we’re all excited for the good ole spooks and yummy treats! It’s full of monsters, goblins, princesses and super heroes, and it’s so much fun to see kids excited to see their bags and buckets fill through the night with skittles and snickers.

However, the only thing we need to look out for, are the REAL monsters on Halloween. So parents, sisters, brothers, guardians, or anyone who’s taking their kids or any children out to a trunk or treat event at church or a normal door to door visits, please keep a close look out. It may be a fun holiday, but it’s also filled with stupid, reckless and ignorant folks. Make sure their candy packages or wrappers aren’t already open, and that no one suspicious is always near or following.

It’s detail. Cars, people, houses, street names, all of it. I’m not saying, “panic, someone is going to hurt your kid,” I’m just saying keep a close eye, and nothing good ever happens after midnight. Parties? Same thing. Be careful when it comes to drinking and meeting “new people.”

I also am excited to be dressing up myself as either Meredith from ‘The Office’ or Georgie from ‘IT’. OOH OR MOANA. Or broke, I don’t know..but I am super excited to hang out with my gang that night, taking our little siblings trick or treating and spending awesome time together. God is so good, and how He’s blessed us with awesome fun nights like these!

Anyways, just a short reminder that God is wonderful, and He loves you so much! Take on the week with strength He’s given you and encourage others and speak life over them! Remind others the purpose they have, and how much they matter! I love you guys! HAVE A FANTASTIC AND BEAUTIFUL AND BLESSED WEEK!!!

Love, Mal

A Letter or Vow to my Future Husband

It’s 38° outside at about 1:11am, and I’m watching this show called, “Marriage Bootcamp,” and its made me think…”I wonder what that’s going to be like for me one day, or if it’s ever going to happen.” So just to be your typical “blogger,” writing letters and such, I thought I’d write a letter and maybe almost a vow to my future hubby:

Dear Future Husband,

Before we say the words, “I do,” and commit our lives to each other, here’s a few things you need to know if you want to give me your heart to care for. First and foremost, I love Christ. I love Jesus so much, I live for Him. I hope you feel the same way about Him also, because if we’re going to do this relationship right, we’re going to do it God’s way, so that way it doesn’t fail. I pray about you, all the time. I pray for you. I ask that God open your eyes to see what you may have lost sight of, for ears to hear the words that God speaks over you, and to open your heart to receive and pour out grace and love to all those around you.

I didn’t fall in love with you because you remembered my birthday and bought me flowers on Valentine’s Day. I fell in love with you because when you woke up this morning, you said “good morning,” to me before you checked your phone. I fell in love with you, because when you got up to grab a beer, you grabbed me one too without even asking. I fell in love with you, because when you had an amazing day and I had a terrible day, you did everything you could to make my day the best it could be and not mention once about how great your day was. I couldn’t tell you the exact day I fell in love with you, or for ONE reason, but it was the accumulation of all the little things, and I woke up one day, and just thought, “I love you.”

I promise I’ll take care of you. I want to take care of you. Your body, your mind, your heart. I want to serve you the way God has called me to serve others. I want to make you meals that will nourish your body, I want to watch sports with you and debate over teams or cheer on the same teams, I want to pray with you and over you. I promise I’ll try hard not to anger you, disappoint you, stress you out or push you away. I tend to do that a lot, and I don’t mean to. I want to lay in bed with you and talk about our days and chase rabbit trails.

I promise to love you the way you should be loved, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically. I promise to respond to you with respect and catch my anger before I throw it out on you. I promise I won’t treat you like jewelry. I promise I’ll take care of your heart, and I really hope you’ll take good care of mine. I promise to treat your mother like a queen and I’ll treat your dad with the utmost respect and love them both. I promise I’ll share turns with the chores in the house, and rub your back at night and give you kisses to comfort you.

Here’s what you need to know…I’m not all that. I’ll try really hard to impress you. Do my hair, fix my make-up, my attitude. I want to be almost perfect for you, because you deserve the best! I use to be so depressed, but you’re one of the reasons why I find myself joyful. God is so good, He’s blessed me with you! I also sometimes get sad when I’m alone, because I enjoy quality time. It’s one of my love languages. I get shy when it comes to some things around you, but I’ll open up eventually and feel more comfortable around you. I’m also working on my anger issues because I get jealous too easy, or frustrated to fast, and it’s bad. However, I would like to say, I’m doing so much better! It makes me so happy! You will be dealing with someone who’s slightly annoying and a cry baby, but please be patient with me, I’m working on myself and need support. I eat chicken, and sometimes will skip a day of eating because I’ll feel a little insecure of my body and don’t want to lose my small waist! 

I’m lactose intolerant, so don’t feed me dairy. My favorite color is blue, but I also love yellow because it reminds me of happy. I love chocolate and a hot cup of tea before yoga in the mornings or evenings. I enjoy talking about or reading books if you’d like to share your thoughts on your favorites. My biggest fears are spiders, rejection, let downs, and being alone. I might be 5’1″ and that’s short, but that feature is great in some other things. I love to cook and bake, so if you’re ever feeling peckish, let me know! I enjoy watching comedic shows or action movies, so get ready for movie nights because I’m such a Marvel fan! I sometimes am annoying, and I’m sorry for that in advance. I get attached and clingy, but if you need space, just say so, because I will enjoy loving on you!

If you’re ever hurt, I promise to be there and help you. If you’re sad, I want to comfort you, give you kisses and hugs and remind you that things could be worse. If you’re angry, I’ll let you take your frustrations out on me, so as long as you tell me beforehand what you’re about to do. If you’re broken, God will fix it. 

If God allows it, I want to carry your child in hopes that he or she will grow up to be successful in whatever they wish to do. I want to be your best friend, your partner, your confidant, your wife and lover.

Of course, I’m afraid of heartbreak, but I’m not going to spend my time feeling scared when I could just go with the flow, live life the way I need to, and spend time with you. I am so thankful and blessed you’ll be by my side through life. I can’t imagine what you have to go through, being with me.

There’s so much more to promise you and tell you of, but maybe we should wait for the honeymoon…

with buckets of love,

Malane

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