Here Lies Myself

When someone asks me how my day was, I want to say that it’s fair to partly cloudy with 90% chance of rain in the next hour.
I want to reply, my emotions are bottled up and if I drop my pen one more time I’m either going to scream or curl up and cry.

Except, I don’t tell anyone that. I laugh and say, “I’m doing alright.” 

One day, I was driving my best friend home from work, and I couldn’t hold myself together and my voice started cracking like two sets of knuckles before a disagreement and I poured out my heart, confessed all of what’s made me feel guilty and shameful and the next words she says to me were, “I forgive you.”
And though I wanted to hear some advice that would lift me up and smack me across the face to knock some sense in me, those words, “I forgive you,” have never felt more comforting than at that moment.

That my friends is called, ‘love.’ 

You want to know what love is?
Love forgives. Love takes you by the hand and gives you a tour of a museum filled with kaleidoscopes and laughter. Love dances with you and makes you move in ways you never thought your body could move, every motion, every step, every beat and count. Love hugs, love kisses, love says, “thank you for everything,” and love simply shares the smallest blessings and joys from a working ink pen to a written note.
Love makes you feel at your finest when you were at your lowest, and love can make you feel so beautiful about yourself.

Love died on the cross, was buried, and rose again. Love forgave and is still forgiving and teaches to forgive. 

My issue is that I have a hard time forgiving myself. I know I’ve screwed up a lot in my past life and I still currently make stupid-shit choices I regret, and I never forgive myself for it as much as other people can forgive me.

So this is me trying to forgive myself now. This old self I want gone. Where I hurt, I want Jesus to heal. Where I forgive others, I also want to forgive and love myself.
I use drinking as a coping option and I’m cutting that off. Of course, everyone’s young once and it happens. I’ve dealt with breakups that has always made me feel bad to this day, because I know that I’m no woman a man could ever desire. Let go of past friends for my own reasons. I get mad at red lights and curse at people in my head for saying the most stupid things..

So dear me, I forgive you. I forgive you for not taking care of yourself during times of darkness. I forgive you for screwing up and not knowing how to fix it even when it’s too late. I forgive you for crying and sulking when you had open arms everywhere, yet you were too scared to reach out. I forgive you for the toxic relationships you refused to get out of. You held them the way a boat holds water and should have left once you started sinking. I forgive you for not forgiving you because you don’t know how to love yourself and you’re trying.

It’s a start right? Somewhere? No more self doubt, or drinking, or harming myself by not even eating or drinking. I’m not perfect. I’m 100% human, I’m a sinner, I love Jesus with all my heart and that doesn’t mean I don’t curse when I forget where I put my wallet or tell the truth when my parents ask where my new clothes have come from (#shopaholic).

Here’s a challenge you could do with me: Love.
Love like there’s no tomorrow. Love like it’s on your priority list, love by forgiving yourself and others, love by holding the door open for your mom and strangers, love by giving someone dear a hug and telling them to have a great day, and love by praying.
Make clouds out of your breath this cold season, create memories through photos and captions, go to a thrift shop and buy 89¢ bead necklaces and bracelets. I want to go travel. I want to minister to people. I’m just as human as you and the next person. I want to go to concerts and dance. I want to rap a whole song without looking at the lyrics. I want to crack open a beer, and just one, with my friends and have a bonfire. I want to work hard, save up and buy a new car. I want to go to school again. I want to have bomb ass sex one day and wake up the next morning ready for more. Hell, I’m no different than anyone else and I want to grow and be proud.

Look in the mirror and smile because God created the most beautiful and handsome person there. Build a house out of sticks and mud, and even if the walls are uneven, love it anyway. Love it like a puppy, like a season, like a child. Love how you can hate yourself sometimes, and learn to love yourself all over again. I know how easy it is to self doubt, and when you mess up, you feel the guilt and shame and it hurts. It hurts when you know that you’ve disappointed someone you care for most. It hurts because then you feel alone. But I know this….one day Jesus is going to come. Then after that process, we’ll all be together, happy, joyful, praising and dancing and gather at His table because He welcomes us with open arms.

So I pray that you find it in your heart to forgive yourself. To love yourself and others, your neighbors and your enemies. Stand with God and be judged by the world rather than standing with the world and being judged by God. Give all your kindness and throw it like rice at a wedding. I pray that your heart is healed in places where you feel hurt, where you feel broken, God will mend and mold and shape you and guide you where He plans to have you. I want to lift you up for healing, comforting, wisdom and strength. And my hopes are that you and I begin this new year building up ourselves and others rather than tearing down, and that these past mistakes are lessons to be learned. In Jesus’s name I pray, amen.

Facetune 6

“The JOY of the LORD is my strength.”  August 2017

I love y’all buckets,
Mal.

6 thoughts on “Here Lies Myself

  1. I admire you courage for being able to write how you feel and for your faith in the Lord. I also admire you for being able to confess stuff to a friend, I have never been able to do that. Lack of confidence and lack of friends I guess. You said that no man would desire you well here’s one that would. I hope you have a great 2018, feel free to leave me a message or whatever. xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

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