IDENTITY CRISIS

I’m bouncing back. In my last blog, I mentioned how I’m dealing with some personal issues and things that have been bringing me down. Well here’s how I am going to bounce back from all this:

So yesterday, I was driving down to Austin to stay the night at my mother’s place, and during this three hour drive, I thought to myself and spoke to God some.

I realized that lately, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I was listening to the song, “No Longer Slaves,” which is one of my favorite worship songs, and the chorus comes up:
“I’m no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God.” Singing along to it of course made me cry, and I had a moment of silence where I asked myself, “who am I?”

I have been putting up with so much burden and have so much weighing on my heart. Running between family, friends, work, financial issues, illnesses, relationships, insecurities, future plans, trying to “adult,” and it’s all creating this anxiety and building up a bit of depression in me. Trying to juggle everything at once to make sure things are right and at the same time, putting a smile on my face to make sure people don’t constantly ask, “what’s wrong?”

And I’m trying to give. To give my all. To give my full forth the effort, and my whole heart to people I feel who truly deserve it. Giving gifts and things to people I feel like who deserve to be surprised with love and a little bit of happy, and I’m trying so hard, I’m really, really trying…Trying to impress others, trying to look good for my man, trying to make sure my best friend doesn’t regret our close relationship, trying to take care of issues that I should leave alone, I am trying.

I still feel like I’m not enough and I just want to GIVE UP.

After all of this trying, I lost sight of the bigger picture. I’m too close and need to take about a few steps back and was told to ask myself:

  1. Who am I, if I were to strip the waitress that works at Denny’s?
  2. Who am I, if I were to strip that “cute, little Asian,” everyone describes as?
  3. Who am I, if I were to strip the daughter of the father and mother I disappointed?
  4. Who am I, if I were to separate myself from my best friend, my gang of friends, my man, and other peers?
  5. Who is Malane, if she were to strip of all of this sin and shame?

I suddenly then realize that I’m dealing with an identity crisis:

noun

PSYCHIATRY
noun: identity crisis; plural noun: identity crises
  1. a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person’s sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

Essentially, my solution is to find who I am in Christ. If I want to heal, that’s the way I need to, is to sit in a moment of solitude, maybe open the book and pray. I’m so lost in trying to prove myself worthy to others, I forget that God already calls me WORTHY. I’m so focused on trying to fix things and make sure things are perfect, when God tells me not to worry of these things but to seek Him, seek His face and focus on Him. 
Earlier yesterday, I served a regular customer who comes in every day, and he’s so sweet. He says he comes in at least twice a day for breakfast and/or lunch, and he asked me, “Mal….how long have you lived in Palestine?” “About 6 or 7 years, give or take,” I replied. He then asked, “do you like it here?” I thought about it for 5 seconds and said, “not really.” Then the next question is what made me get into my feelings for the rest of the evening: “If you could go anywhere else in this world, where would it be?” 
I couldn’t give him an answer. I didn’t know and I was at a loss. I told him that I really want to go into ministry and he told me he’d pray for me.

I felt emotional because when he asked me those questions, I thought, “wow Mal, where are you going in life? What are you doing? Who are you? Who am I?” I kept scaring myself with doubts and thoughts of not making it in life, and becoming a failure. I haven’t given much thought of my own future because I’m so busy with what’s going on now and feeling sad and sorry for myself, I keep forgetting to look ahead. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know how I’m going to do anything, and if I’m going to make it in this life. I’m scared of failure, I’m scared of rejection and I’m scared of doing it alone, let alone being alone through all of it.

If there’s a place that I want to go, it’d be where I could lose myself in Him. In worship, lost in His presence and where the Holy Spirit fills the atmosphere. I want to be in a place where I could freely laugh and smile and giggle with joy because I know there’s nothing to fear and the devil could not bare to stand it! That’s where I want to be. Whether it’s in church, a school, my bedroom…I want to feel alive again, and I don’t want to be this “Debby Downer,” I want to be MALANE, who’s calling is bigger than I can imagine and what anyone else says about it. I know this mountain of mine is big, but my God is bigger. I know my burdens are heavy, but my God is strong. I know my sin and shame is ugly, but God’s grace is much more beautiful. I know this anxiety and depression wants to sink in to my mind, but my heart is telling me to not fear and give my ALL to the one who’s waiting for me, who’s running towards me, and who’s been calling my name this whole time. Jesus didn’t die on the cross just for me to sit and mope and worry about my appearance or personality, but to be free and broken of these chains. 

You guys….If you’ve read this blog this far, I’m going through an identity crisis and am in need of healing and of prayers. I know I’m stronger than all of this and I can bounce back. I really need to seek myself in Christ, because I’m lost and need to be found. I desire to be healed and have major heart surgery by my God. I need His guidance. Without Him, I’m falling apart and He’s the one that guides our hearts in times of darkness. I’m super thankful for those who have been checking in on me and supported me in times like these. I don’t know if I should set a reminder for myself, or some type of confirmation, but grace has won.

I know most of this is absolutely personal, but if you’re going through something similar or the same, or something worse, maybe you can do this too. Maybe you can bounce back too and maybe we can do this together. As brothers and sisters in Christ, being together, sharing love and praying for another is the best we can do and I encourage you to spend some time alone with God. Turn off your notifications, put down your computer, turn off the t.v., go to a room and open up your bible or if you need one, your phone can provide it and turn on some worship music even. Get lost in Him so that you can be found.

Grace is found where He is. He splits the sea so I can walk right through it. My fears are drowned in PERFECT LOVE. He rescues me so I can say: I AM A CHILD OF GOD. 

“The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” —Psalm 116:5-8 NIV

IMG_4578

My silhouette taken by Chris Winfield. Here’s where my journey starts in finding who I am. And it starts with the simple fact of knowing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I love y’all buckets,
Mal.
P.S. Check out the encouraging messages page. I actually have finally updated it!!!!
Here’s a link to it:  New Encouraging Message

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