Hey y’all, I just thought I’d let you know that I’ll be taking a break for a week or two from blogging….I really need some healing and here’s why:
I’m at a moment of weakness. I’m hurting, and there’s no one here for me right now.
Tears are constantly rolling down my cheeks and I can’t stop. I can’t sleep or eat, and I’m up late at night contemplating, taking long hot showers and baths, contemplating…
I don’t know who to run to any more. My mom isn’t here, and I can’t depend on my parents for any advice. My little brother’s head is stuck in his high school studies. My friends wouldn’t want to be bothered with anything they wouldn’t know what to do with. The one person I like a lot, I wish was here right now, can’t be because he’s always busy. My sister/best friend that I live with never really has time for me and she’s dealing with her own issues.
I feel alone. I feel broken and alone. I’m at a loss right now. Overwhelmed with everything that’s happening right in front of me and I’m slowly falling apart and I couldn’t see it until now. This whole time while I’m putting on a face for the crowd, while I’m all sunshine and flowers because no one wants to be close to a Debby Downer, I am feeling heartbreak, I am scared and am breaking down mentally and emotionally, spiritually and physically.
I feel like I’ve lost sight of God at the moment…I feel like I’m losing and I don’t know where I’m going. I hate feeling this way, I hate thinking this way, and I hate saying these things, because while I’m trying to encourage others with words of TRUTH, I can’t accept my own words into my heart other than “I am not enough.”
There’s so much that’s going through my mind and that’s weighing on my heart, I just need someone to lean on and cry by and I want to know that it’s going to be okay because I feel like it’s far from okay and it’ll never be okay.
Can I vent a moment? About the things I see tumbling down right in front me? About the things that’s weighing down on me, that I’m carrying on my tray and can’t lift because it’s so heavy? About my mom and dad moving and it’s a burden on my brother because he’s a year away from graduating and he’s worked so hard on what he’s aiming for, and I won’t get to see him as often anymore. About my sister and her boyfriend on and off about what’s going on, and I feel like I’m not enough to help her and I wish I could, I wish I could just spend a day with her without her having to think of her troubles and just spend time with me, because I miss her and I love her dearly. About my best friend, and what our plans are as far as college, and what we’re suppose to do in a year or two. Financially, I’m concerned because lately I’ve been ill physically which never happens, so I have doctor visits to pay, hospital bills that are due, and I’m trying to build my credit? Like, why is adulting so extra? About why I suddenly am physically sick, when again, this never happens so I’m missing out on working and other things. And I don’t even want to start with this relationship non-relationship thing I have going, honestly, I’m going to end up heartbroken and I just need to get use to shit like this, and I feel like I’m losing life right now, I’m being judged by people who’s never spoken to me before and I guess it’s normal to feel like God’s disappointed in me and is angry at me, even though He’s not an angry God, He’s very loving. There’s a lot more I could go on and on about…
I’m hurt. Dammit, I’m hurt, and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that one day, bottling all of this up, I’ll break down in the middle of my work day or during a date or something. So I really need a break to heal. I need healing and I really can’t do it alone, because I hate being alone. I know God is here for me, but physically, He can’t give me a hug and tell me what to do. I really need this break. I really need prayer. I want a hug. I want to be healthy again, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to be heartbroken and I feel it. I don’t want to be hurt, but I am.
Maybe I’ll post an update by Saturday, but I really need to find myself and find sight of Jesus too.
Love you buckets,